Facing your Demons – Overcoming Porn Addiction [Nofap]

When we were little we were always afraid of the dark. We were afraid that the monsters and demons would get us and eat us alive. We would hide underneath our blanket, to not see them and we would hope that they didn’t see us.

“Thomas, I think you chose the wrong title, this post should be called, ‘How to stop being afraid of the dark.’”

Wait a second let me finish.

We hoped so hard that the monsters & demons wouldn’t see us. But if you just had looked underneath your bed you would see that there was no monster. There were no demons. If we just faced our demons we would have seen that they were no more than illusions from our mind. We would have saved endless hours of being scared.

Today I want to help you come from underneath that blanket and to finally face your demons.

Human beings, we have dark sides; we have dark issues in our lives. To progress anywhere in life, you have to face your demons. – John Noble

Why Facing your Demons is Important
overcoming porn addiction

I compared Overcoming Porn Addiction to the child who is afraid of the dark because we do the same with our addictions. Not only porn addiction every addiction. We try to run away instead of facing our fears and inner demons. Neil Strauss for example talks in his book “The Truth” about how he was addicted to having sex with women because he had a trauma from his parents that he needed to heal.

He discovered this after having slept with 1000 women and having cheated on his wife. Of course you don’t need to have sex with 1000 women to see this, you can do this with some simple techniques. Btw right now Neil Strauss is fully cured and lives happily with his wife. (I recommend “The Truth” DISCLAIMER: It is not fap proof and if you are new to nofap I don’t recommend it because it will make you relapse)

Handling Inner Issues

When overcoming addiction we always try to do this with a lot of willpower and discipline. And although this is an effective way, it is not nearly as effective as facing your demons. When you don’t face your inner problems then they will always follow you around. If an alcoholic manages to stay clean for 20 years but doesn’t solve his inner problems he can still relapse at any moment.

I’m not trying to say that facing your demons is the only way for overcoming porn addiction, definitely not. It is one of the steps we need to take to overcome addiction. And it is one of the most important steps.

A few questions may come to your mind right now. “How do I find my inner demons?” & “How do I face my demons?”

I will try to answer those questions underneath.

Finding your Inner Demons
The Most Important Question

The search for finding and facing your demons starts with a very important question:

“What am I running away from?”

The thing you are running away from can be small or big, it all depends on you. It can be that you are running from something small. Something small can be that you hate your job, or that you feel like you are not enough. This is relatively easy to overcome.

Something big however can be something like Neil Strauss, having a big f*cking trauma to overcome. This however is very hard to overcome and you may need some help to do this.

Digging Deep

Unfortunately it is not this easy, if it was then nobody was addicted. Find an answer to the question “What am I running away from?” is harder then it sounds. It also takes some time, but it is important that you take the time to find it.

It took me around a month to find out what I was running away from. After I found the answer however it was pretty easy to quit, it only took me a couple of days to quit.

What I was trying to run away from was my negative belief:

I’m dumb.
I’m stupid.
I’m worthless.
These were the 3 things that I was running away from. However there are other things that you may be running away from:

Your negative belief
Trauma
Your job
Your parents
Your passion
Regret
Your self image
Obligations
Life itself
The Past
The future
Boredom

The options are endless, however I will give you a technique that will help to find your core problem. Like the title says you have to dig deep, you have to ask more questions.

Whenever you ask your this question there can come up a feeling or a thought. You have to go deeper on this thought or feeling. Ask yourself “Why do I feel this way?”, “What happened to me then?”

Let me give you an example:

“What am I trying to run away from?”
“I hate my job.”
“Why do I hate my job?”
“I have a feeling that this is nothing for me, this is not was I like to do.”
“Why do I have this feeling?”
“My parents said that I needed to this, but I actually wanted to travel and explore myself, and I think I actually was to scared to go out and travel on my own.”
“Why was I to scared to travel on my own?
“Because I’m a big pussy.”
“Why do I think that?”
“Because I always run away from something new.”
“Why do I run away from that?”

I think you get the point, you always need to dig deeper, you find another answer, you feel of it is right and you dig deeper. Until you finally see what you you were always running away from. Sometimes it will be very easy to find, sometimes it will be hard to find. But is important that you find it out. Only if you find it, it will be easy to overcome porn addiction. Otherwise it will be very hard.

You see an addiction only becomes an addiction when you try to mask something. When you get a false sense of pleasure from it. Otherwise it would be just a habit and then you could quit it easy.

Thoughts may come to your mind right now “Oh well it will be just a habit.” Don’t let your mind fool you, it’s force is very powerful.

Facing your Inner Demons

Once you found your inner demons you have to face them. Unfortunately I’m not the most intelligent person in the world and I don’t have answers for all the problems. However I will handle 4 very common problems for overcoming porn addiction and give solutions for them. If you have other questions, feel free to send them me and I will make a post about them.

1) I feel Worthless, I feel stupid, I feel Weak…

Overcoming porn addiction

All these feelings are your negative belief, you basically reject yourself and you want to run away from that by numbing yourself. And how do you numb yourself? By your addiction. Letting go of your negative belief is a very powerful exercise, if you do this overcoming porn addiction will be a lot easier. Believe me after I did this exercise it was easy to overcome my addiction.

“This sounds cool right, so lets do it!”

Let me explain your what your negative belief is: You negative belief is a big f*ucking illusion. You created your negative belief to protect yourself from the world around you.

When you were born you were living in a ‘paradise state’ everything was new, exciting, you didn’t have rules to live by and you were free to explore the world. You felt complete and very happy. You lost this, why? Because along the way of growing up you got rejected. You got rejected by your parents, loved ones, teachers… and you needed to create something that protected you from all these rejections.

You created your negative belief, what did this negative belief do? You rejected yourself, if you rejected yourself then nobody else could reject you. I know that sounds stupid right, it sounds like the actions of a desperate guy.

How do you let go of your negative belief?

I will give you an exercise:

First of all you have to find out what your negative belief is. This you can find by paying close attention to your thought patterns, by journaling and by seeing how your mind rejects yourself.

“I’m worthless.”
“I’m dumb.”
“I’m alone.”
After you have done that you can do the exercise to let go of your negative belief. Before you start the exercise you have to go and stand in front of a mirror. Make sure you are alone in the room, so that nobody could interrupt you.

What you have to do is: you have to say your negative belief out loud to yourself.

“I’m not going to do this exercise, this is horse shit, I’m out!”

Well it may sound stupid, but I really recommend you to try it out before you judge it. Go and stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say your negative belief out loud to yourself. It is important that you say it in a non judgmental way.

Don’t just sit there, do it now!

When you do it right, you will feel an amazing feeling, it almost feels surreal. Some will feel confused, some will feel surprised, some will feel happy, some will feel the need to cry.

I got this exercise from Jan Geurtz (feel free to research him) he is an addiction coach and actually teaches people to stop using willpower or overcome their addiction. He teaches them to dig deep and to let go of their negative belief. He is the one who helped me overcoming porn addiction.

But this may sound a bit vague right now, you may have done the exercise and felt something amazing, but you are not sure if this is the solution. No worries, I will make another post with this specific topic.

2) Regret & Anxiety
Overcoming porn addiction

Regret and anxiety are 2 problems with the same root. We run away from them by watching porn and masturbating because we need a sense of relief from them. But when you do that you shift the problem to another time, you don’t actually handle the problem.

Eckhartt Tole says in the power of now that Regret is caused by having too much past. And Anxiety by having too much future. Both are illusions by the mind. There is one quote from the movie Total Recall that really struck me:

Matthias: Mr. Hauser, What is it you want?
Doug Quaid: I want to help you.
Matthias: That is not the only reason you are here.
Doug Quaid: I want to remember.
Matthias: Why?
Doug Quaid: So I can be myself, be who I was.
Matthias: It is each man’s quest to find out who he truly is, but the answer to that lies in the present, not in the past. As it is for all of us.
Doug Quaid: But the past tells us who we’ve become.
Matthias: The past is a construct of the mind. It blinds us. It fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there. You’ll find your answer.

Matthias is the smart commander from the rebel army who gets lured into a trap but changes Doug Quaid his pad to become a better person. And although this was a movie, it is very true. The past and future are both constructs by the mind and we need to become present get rid of anxiety and regret.

“Thomas, the future and past are both very useful, how can we otherwise learn and accomplish goals?”

Very true, this also what Eckhartt Tole Talks about in the power of now, we have to sorts of time:

1 – Clock Time: Clock time is time that you and I use, we say “It’s 5 pm, that is clock time.

2 – Psychological time: Is when we attach to the past and future, this makes us anxious and we think that the past defines us.

But I got to disappoint you both past and future do no exist. You remember it in your mind, but it does not exist, it are just pictures. The only thing that is real, is the now. There is literally nothing else.

If you want to overcome porn addiction then becoming present is key, here are 2 things that can help become present:

Meditation
Mindfulnes
However I will not go deeper on both of them, because those topic are too broad to cover in one post.

3) Boredom

things to do when bored

This is probably the biggest danger when you try overcoming porn addiction. Because it is so easy to get bored, and porn and masturbating seems like something fun to replace boredom with. Unfortunately boredom is very common and this makes us want to masturbate a lot.

If you want to overcome boredom, I’ve written an whole article about a long term solution for overcoming boredom: “Never Be Bored Again! – 3 Practical Things to do when you are Bored“

4) Being / Feeling Alone
Overcoming porn addiction

Feeling / being is probably one of the things that I see the most on the nofap forums. We try to overcome this feeling by fapping, because we feel a sense of completion after we fap. We feel that our mission is complete, we have reproduced. A few minutes after our relapse we realize something.

This was a computer screen, we are still alone in the room. Fapping to a virtual girl or guy. This leads to feeling more alone. And this becomes a vicious cycle that you can’t escape, or can you?

We always try to cure being alone by inviting friends, getting a girlfriend, approaching girls… but this does not solve our problem. We think that our problem is being alone, this is not true, out problem is actually not feeling comfortable with being alone.

So how do you solve this?

You stop feeling alone by being alone and appreciating being alone.

Right now you see being alone as something bad, you see it as something you need to get rid of. Once you start seeing that being alone is actually not that bad, you start appreciating the feeling.

I mean what is wrong with being alone? You have time to think, read, meditate, to just be, to find new goals to explore, to find new things that you can improve on. To reflect on what happend the last day, to appreciate what you have, to drink tea…

You can do a lot alone, honestly most of my time is spend alone, I love connecting with other people, but I also love being alone. You should give yourself this time, to come the rest. To just be and appreciate the moment.

A good exercise for this would be to force yourself to sit 30min – 2 hours each week alone, doing nothing except a little bit of thinking and watching your environment.

5) Shame
overcoming porn addiction

Shame is a big one because a lot of people who practice nofap are Christians, if you are not that doesn’t matter. In religion fapping and porn is seen as a sin, they may hide it from their parents of family or do it because it s now allowed. So when they fap, they shame themselves. Which actually makes the addiction even stronger because now you want to run away from that feeling to. BREAK THE CYCLE! Feel free to open the picture above.

When you feel shame you see yourself as a bad person, but fortunately for you I read the book “The Gifts Of Imperfection” And I will give you some tips to overcome shame and eventually help you overcoming porn addiction.

Stop shaming yourself: The first stop to overcome shame is to stop shaming yourself. Stop being so hard on yourself, be nice to yourself and start over without all this criticism. Remember you want to become a better person not a worse one.
Tell your story: In the book Brene brown says “Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story it hates having words wrapped around it – Shame loves secrecy.” Solution? Honesty, tell your parents that you watched porn, tell your girlfriend…

“I’m too scared to do this.”

No problem, I feel you, I told my ex girlfriend only after I ruined our relationship because I watched porn and fapped. I told my mom that I was a porn addicted. I told all of my friends, made a youtube channel, posted it on the forums, and now this blog. This was all necessary to recover but as long as I didn’t speak to my ex about this I felt ashamed. Afterwards I felt relief. And you will feel to, that doesn’t mean you need to tell your parents, start small, go on forums. Speak to your best friend. Believe me when I convinced all my friend to do this they even did nofap challenges with me. One friend is even further as me. He has a streak of a 1,5 year now.

What I really recommend is that you read the book “Brene Brown – The Gifts Of Imperfection” and “Radical Honesty” Both book are about overcoming shame and telling the truth. Also about compassion and very cool and helpful stuff. Check it out! Or download it online or something. (Disclaimer:I’m not resposible for fraud, viruses etc…)

My problem is not listed here

Overcoming porn addiction

There are a lot of different problems and inner issues and unfortunately I can’t cover them all right now. Some are them are very specific, however if you need an answer feel free to contact us on the contact page. Send me your problem and how you thought about handling it and maybe I can give you a better solution.

But don’t forget I don’t have all the answers, feel free to ask your question in the comments and maybe someone has a solution for you. If you don’t find a solution post your question on the nofap reddit forum there are a lot people who are overcoming porn addiction together.

More about Overcoming Porn addiction / Nofap?

After the 2,5-3 years that I have been trying to overcome this addiction I have found a lot of techniques and solutions for overcoming this addiction. However that will not fit in one post, and I need to spread those over multiple posts. So over the next few months I will try to release as much information about overcoming porn addiction / nofap as possible.

What I really recommend to bookmark this blog or at least follow our e-mail list stay updated.


The END

I want to thank everyone for reading this far, you are awesome!

Thomas

Conclusion

1) Your Demons are not real

2) Handle your core issue and you will cure your addiction

3) What am I running away from?

4) Digging deep

5) Facing your demons

6) Ask questions

ThomasV

Thomas started with personal growth at the age of 17, since then he never stopped. He likes to improve on every level of life but specializes in addiction, confidence, beliefs & thoughts and healing.

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